A Constant Audience

I was in a hurry.

I always am on Tuesdays.

Seems like the whole day passes by in a blink and what do I have to show for it?

That's the way it was this past Tuesday anyway.

It was afternoon time already. It was time for class. I was packing my purse, Ham's bag, my schoolbag. My car.

And then my husband called.

"Do you need my help?" He asked. "I'm passing by anyway. I left something I need at the house."

Truth is, I didn't need his help. I had this down to a science, and he knows that. The real reason he calls anyway is to see if he can swing by and see our son even for five minutes.

"Yeah you could help me load up everything in the car." I lied as I closed the door to the already packed car.

While we wait for him, I pace around the house with Ham on my hip. He digs his fingers into my arm, clutching for dear life as I swing through each room of the house surveying its contents.  I feel like I'm forgetting something.

My mind is in a million places at once. It's in school, it's making grocery lists, it's making dinner, and it's baby proofing the house for the tenth time this week. And now it's telling me that the diaper I just changed needs to be changed again. And it's wondering if I have time for that and if I'm going to be late for class. Again.

I'm stressed.

I hoist my baby sack of potatoes onto the diaper changing table and he looks at me like "Didn't we just do this?" And I shake my head at him as if to say "Ye, we did. And here we are again." He starts the diaper change whine, but I'm too tired and stressed to think of anything to combat it. Usually there's a least a song I could come up with or something within arm's reach he can play with. But I have nothing.

"I'm tired, Ham." I tell him. "Your mom is stressed out. You know those binders I've been working on...well one of them is due tonight."

I flip the diaper genie open, jam the diaper in and as I turned back to Hammy, I stopped.

Ham who whines his way through every diaper change decided it was time to start..... clapping for the first time.

I threw my arms in the air and I screamed. "You're clapping?!!" And because I was so proud I could have cried I started clapping with my hands high above my head. And that's when Henry stopped because, I think I probably scared him.

A few minutes later I was telling my husband how our son clapped for me. "He can clap!" I said. And try as we might he would not do it again.

"Come on Ham, show your dad. Clap. Clap. Clap." I clapped and clapped.

And my son, sniffed the air and whipped his head around defiantly. I am not a puppetshow, mom.

I shrugged my shoulders and we got in the car to leave.

"Be Careful." My husband said. "There's a lot of crazy people on the road right now."

I smiled at him. He always says that.

He headed back inside and I turned the car on and threw it in reverse. My mind that was in a million places was now tickled with excitement over the fact that our boy had learned how to clap.

I wondered if he understood what I was telling him before he clapped. Remember, how I had that huge project due?

And just as I was about to be on my way, I backed my car right smack into another car.

Yep. I backed my car into........my other car.

I gasped. I look in the rearview mirrior and then I flip around and confirmed exactly what my mirrior already told me. I hit our car. Both of them.

So I pull in the drive and I survey the damage. Then I glance back at the house. And I think about how to tell my husband. Because he's not going to be happy about this.

I jog up the steps, throw open the door, and yell real loud "Mr. Yardbird!  I  hit a car with our car! Yep. It's okay.....And um the other car just so happened to be.....well, it just so happened to be our other car! Now, Isn't that just convenient! And don't worry cause Hammy and I and the cars, we are all just fine.....So um... I'm late for school! Bye!"

And I left the scene of the crime faster and more careful then ever before.

And as I drove off....I heard it. Yep, the sound of little hands clapping in the back seat. Good job, mom. You finished up your project and you busted up both of our cars.

Year Two - October 23, 2011

Year two of our marriage was the funniest one yet,
There were moments plain silly that were hard to forget.
This year we welcomed Hammy our funny little man,
This year you bought Equate, Sam's Choice and store brands.

This year we ate yellow squash and spaghetti squash too,
We thought we were healthy if that's all we'd do,
We planted lots of plants, they died pretty quick,
Now we have a great garden with bunchs of sticks.

And this year it wasn't me who fell off of the bike,
After you screamed in the air that you loved married life,
No it was you as you passed that camera crew and the bride,
As they took her protraits on the levee outside.

More B movies we watched and I guess I'll admit,
That I might have liked them just a tiny little bit.
If you really must know I guess I realized,
They weren't that bad if I just closed my eyes,


There was the one with the man in a cliff his arm stuck.
And the cave divers in the cave when a hurricane struck.
And the people whose boat sank in the shark filled ocean,
The shark ate them up because they caused a commotion.


Every day we'd take a break and to relax you just knew
That I'd like watching eric forman and that seventies crew,
We watched every episode, one everyday
Until now we're almost finished and it's a sad thing to say.


And travel you did to India and back,
You ate lots of vegetables but the meat they did lack,
And the three of us skyped and we talked a whole lot,
They liked you so much there that you got a head dot.

And this year we had a sidekick who kept us up late,
and we learned how to hurtle over baby gates,
We learned to drink cold coffee, to eat with one hand,
And we jammed to baby music like a rock and roll band.


This year was kind of messy, sleepless, and crazy,
But I'm glad for it, really, and our goofy, fun baby.
I'm happy for year two with a man like you,
Because without you to laugh with, than what would I do?

Year One - Click Here

The Day You Were Born - Part 10 - Our Sidekick

So we were standing there, Hammy, thinking it was time to go back up to the baby birthing room and wondering if there was anything else we could do to get this going.

And then I remembered.

I couldn't remember where I saw it. Maybe I read it somewhere?

Who knows.

I looked at your dad and I said, "Hammy's Daddy, we need to get on the elevator."

"To go back to the triage?"

"No." I said. "To jump."

Your dad is such a good sport, Ham. You know why? Because even if your dad thought the idea was preposterous, he would never tell me that.

Instead your dad supported my arm as I wobbled my tired big body to the elevator.

"I don't remember if I saw this, or if I read it...." I rambled on "but I think some couple said they took the elevator to the highest floor and when they came back down, she jumped as high as she could. I think....I think it helped the baby get into position."

Your poor dad. He just smiled and nodded. Sure Mrs. Yardbird, sure.

I pushed the elevator button and up we went. And then I pressed the hospital lobby button and braced myself for a jump like no other. I guess in my mind, my body would miracously lift itself off of the ground like a basketball player's slam dunk and I would slam back down to the earth with such force the Earth would crack.

It doesn't work like that when you're pregnant.

Nope.... a little bitty hop was all I could muster.

Should we try it again?

No, Ham. Time was up.

It was time to go back.

After a long night of random adventures, your dad and I were ready to call it a night. It was morning time anyway.

It was your big day.

And as your dad and I made our way back, I replayed in my mind all the events that had transpired in the last 24 hours.

I thought about those kids I had gone to observe for school and that tiny chair that I had to sit on. I even thought about the kids that whispered behind my back and the one who confirmed I was indeed being bad mouthed.

And I smiled a little because it was funny.

I thought about how I managed to squeeze in a haircut while I was blissfully unaware that I was in labor.

And I smiled because that's something that would happen to me.

I thought about that potato soup your dad and I ate so calmly on the back porch, that horroble B Movie, Moon, your dad was watching and how I recorded my contractions in a word document. That is still saved on my computer to this day.

Ham, I even thought about that how I demanded to have McDonalds only to not be able to eat it and then have your dad run over it, over and over again with his truck in the parking lot.

And I shook my head, because your dad is so weird, sometimes. But he is ours, so I guess you and I will keep him.

And all those things made me realize that it was the perfect end to a great adventure with just me and your dad.

Your dad and I had been a great team.

Ham, it was time to move over and make room for one more sidekick in the Batmobile.

A sidekick we like to call Hammer.

And just a few short hours later, your proud daddy held you up in the air so I could see you. So I could catch a glimpse of the little guy who I was certain loved powdered doughnuts, kicking me in the ribs, and Jack Johnson songs. And at that moment a new adventure began for all three of us.

And of course no new adventure is complete without  a sparkling freshly cleaned truck, courtesy of your father who loves you a whole lot.


The End.

The Day You Were Born - Part 9 - The Exercise Ball

Hammy,

As your dad stood in the hospital lobby waiting for me to reveal my big idea for getting my labor moving faster, I thought about some of the crazy things women do to get thier labor going. And I even thought about how I took matters into my own hands and how I was about to do that again.

Here's what some pregnant women do:

Some eat spicy Mexican food.

And some drink weird teas.

Some might even get someone to massage their big swollen unmanicured feet connected to thier lovely large cankles.

And others even drink castor oil.

Ham - I didn't do any of those things. The thought of the effects of very spicy Mexican food, nasty teas, and castor oil made me tremble with fear. Also I didn't want anyone near my cankles and horribly unmanicured toes.

Here's what I did do.

Two or three weeks before my due date, I decided to go have a lovely dinner with two of my co-workers. It was kind of like a bon voyage and a cheers to me and my baby all wrapped up in one.

When the waitress walked up to take our drink order, my co-workers ordered.....watermelon snowballs. They looked over at me and shrugged thier shoulders. I couldn't have a watermelon snowball because my doctor said absolutely not.

Anyway I ordered a big glass of water instead. The waitress couldn't tell I was pregnant because I still had my coat on so I revealed my big old belly to her and shook my head....no watermelon snowballs for me.

"You're pregnant?!" She exclaimed.

Yes mam, I am. It was either that or I swallowed a bowling ball.

And then this started the usual question/answer session you have when you are a woman, which you aren't, and you are this far along in your pregnancy.

And of course the conversation went just where I suspected it would go. You see she had a baby too not too far back and she was just dying to tell me....

"Well if you want to know how I got myself to go into labor...."

And even if I didn't want to know. Even if I thought, 'Hey I'll just leave this up to the man upstairs.' It didn't matter, because I became a file cabinet full of every crazy and hookie way to jump start labor.

So okay, here's what she said.

"You know those exercise balls?"

And I said "Uh, huh."

And she said, "I just bounced on one of those balls, every day for hours and pretty soon I went into labor. It was the fastest, easiest labor ever."

I just sat there blinking, wishing I had a watermelon snowball to wash that mental picture down.

But I didn't ham.

Do you know what happened?

I thought about. I didn't want to. But I did. I couldn't help it.

I actually thought about it.

I thought.....who do I know that has an exercise ball?

I went home and I googled a video of a woman- very pregnant -bouncing on an exercise ball. If I was going to do this I wanted to do it right.

And as my due date rapidly approached and the thought of being pregnant forever and ever and ever loomed heavy on my mind, the more desperate and crazy I became.

Crazy enough to consider something I might have dismissed altogether.

So Ham, I went straight to your Maw Maw's and Pop's house because I knew for a fact they had one perfectly useful labor inducing exercise ball.

I threw open the front door of thier house and said "Mom, I need your exercise ball."

Your Maw-Maw knew I was up to no good. She tried to talk some sense into me. But, Ham, you have one hard headed Momma.

I did it. I bounced on the exercise ball. That day and the day after and day after that.

And pretty soon I had some real sharp pains and I could almost barely walk....so I stopped.

But Ham, I knew it worked.

And that's not the only thing I tried, Ham.

Here's what I was about to do.....

Thanks!!

I just want to say -

Thank you! and....a big high five!

I am happy about all the people who have started "following" my blog! I can't believe we are at 13 members so far. That's seems like a lot to me considering I had maybe 5 a few months back. All the sweet comments and the "likes" on facebook have meant a lot to me too! So a big thank you!

Almost finished with our current story!

:)!

The Day You Were Born - Part 8 - A Trip Down Memory Lane

We decided there was really no time for a truck wash at the moment and continued our trek through the hospital.

Walking down the empty corridors of the hospital and in between contractions, I asked your dad to tell me any of his stories.

"Tell me one of your stories, Mr. Yardbird."

"You know just about all of them." He said.

My contractions were growing stronger and every few minutes I had to grip the wall or your daddy's arm for support until they passed. I needed something to get my mind off of it. Something to lighten the mood a bit.

"I don't care. I need a distraction.... I don't care if I've heard it before." I said.

Ham, we've been together for a while, almost six years, and because of this we knew just about every story about each other. The good thing about your dad and I is that even though we know we've heard a story before, we act like it's the first time. There's something really nice about revisiting your old stories and something even better about knowing that someone else wants to hear them.

So your dad started one for me and when he finished it up. I gave him a look like, "Okay and another one, please." We traveled back in time to the days before your daddy and me. To times when we were a lot younger, a little more reckless, when we were just leaves in the wind.  And every time he got to an exciting part he would rev up his nose with his hand like he was trying to jump start an engine. You know what I mean.

We revisited our high schools days and we talked about our college ones too. And eventually we got to the part about us.

We laughed at how far we had come from where it all started and we smiled because we never imagined it would end up here walking around an empty hospital waiting on you, Hammy. God has a funny way of making things happen.

We circled around the hospital, up and down the stairs and through the hallways. We paused when the pain was too great and we continued when it subsided.

And before we knew it, two hours had passed. It was time to go back up to the triage to see how far we had gotten.

"Do you think we are where we need to be?" I asked your dad.

"Do you?"

"I don't know. I sure hope so," I said.

Honestly, I couldn't see how walking around the hospital could make things progress any further than they had already. Turns out I was wrong about that.

Just to be sure, I had one last brilliant idea that I just knew would seal the deal.

The Day You Were Born - Part 7 - Your Chariot Awaits

I wiped the ham sandwich crumbs off my face and gave your dad the best "I'm sorry but I can't help myself" face. We made our way to the hospital lobby and decided where to begin our treck.

"Let's walk up those stairs and around the second floor, then we can come back down and walk down the halls." Your dad nodded his weary head and off we went.

Suddenly a lightbulb went off in your dad's head that sent a surge of energy through him. He turned to me and said, "Do you think we have time to get my truck washed."

"What?" I was not amused.

"I bet we have time. They told you to come back in two hours and that's plenty of time to find a carwash, get the truck cleaned up, and be back here."

"I don't think that's what they meant." I said. "I don't think they meant ride around in a truck, go through a car wash, and poof your baby's ready to come out."

Your dad couldn't hide his disappointment.

And that's when I realized what this was really all about.

Ham, it wasn't about which parking spot the truck was parked in, whether it was parked perfectly straight and it wasn't about how spic and span the truck was either.

It was about you.

Your dad was worried about what you might think of him if his truck wasn't in a prime spot, was dirty and parked crooked.

No son of your dad's was going to go home from the hospital in a situation like that.

This, Hammy, is only one of the reasons why you have such a great dad.