The Day You Were Born - Part 9 - The Exercise Ball

Hammy,

As your dad stood in the hospital lobby waiting for me to reveal my big idea for getting my labor moving faster, I thought about some of the crazy things women do to get thier labor going. And I even thought about how I took matters into my own hands and how I was about to do that again.

Here's what some pregnant women do:

Some eat spicy Mexican food.

And some drink weird teas.

Some might even get someone to massage their big swollen unmanicured feet connected to thier lovely large cankles.

And others even drink castor oil.

Ham - I didn't do any of those things. The thought of the effects of very spicy Mexican food, nasty teas, and castor oil made me tremble with fear. Also I didn't want anyone near my cankles and horribly unmanicured toes.

Here's what I did do.

Two or three weeks before my due date, I decided to go have a lovely dinner with two of my co-workers. It was kind of like a bon voyage and a cheers to me and my baby all wrapped up in one.

When the waitress walked up to take our drink order, my co-workers ordered.....watermelon snowballs. They looked over at me and shrugged thier shoulders. I couldn't have a watermelon snowball because my doctor said absolutely not.

Anyway I ordered a big glass of water instead. The waitress couldn't tell I was pregnant because I still had my coat on so I revealed my big old belly to her and shook my head....no watermelon snowballs for me.

"You're pregnant?!" She exclaimed.

Yes mam, I am. It was either that or I swallowed a bowling ball.

And then this started the usual question/answer session you have when you are a woman, which you aren't, and you are this far along in your pregnancy.

And of course the conversation went just where I suspected it would go. You see she had a baby too not too far back and she was just dying to tell me....

"Well if you want to know how I got myself to go into labor...."

And even if I didn't want to know. Even if I thought, 'Hey I'll just leave this up to the man upstairs.' It didn't matter, because I became a file cabinet full of every crazy and hookie way to jump start labor.

So okay, here's what she said.

"You know those exercise balls?"

And I said "Uh, huh."

And she said, "I just bounced on one of those balls, every day for hours and pretty soon I went into labor. It was the fastest, easiest labor ever."

I just sat there blinking, wishing I had a watermelon snowball to wash that mental picture down.

But I didn't ham.

Do you know what happened?

I thought about. I didn't want to. But I did. I couldn't help it.

I actually thought about it.

I thought.....who do I know that has an exercise ball?

I went home and I googled a video of a woman- very pregnant -bouncing on an exercise ball. If I was going to do this I wanted to do it right.

And as my due date rapidly approached and the thought of being pregnant forever and ever and ever loomed heavy on my mind, the more desperate and crazy I became.

Crazy enough to consider something I might have dismissed altogether.

So Ham, I went straight to your Maw Maw's and Pop's house because I knew for a fact they had one perfectly useful labor inducing exercise ball.

I threw open the front door of thier house and said "Mom, I need your exercise ball."

Your Maw-Maw knew I was up to no good. She tried to talk some sense into me. But, Ham, you have one hard headed Momma.

I did it. I bounced on the exercise ball. That day and the day after and day after that.

And pretty soon I had some real sharp pains and I could almost barely walk....so I stopped.

But Ham, I knew it worked.

And that's not the only thing I tried, Ham.

Here's what I was about to do.....

Thanks!!

I just want to say -

Thank you! and....a big high five!

I am happy about all the people who have started "following" my blog! I can't believe we are at 13 members so far. That's seems like a lot to me considering I had maybe 5 a few months back. All the sweet comments and the "likes" on facebook have meant a lot to me too! So a big thank you!

Almost finished with our current story!

:)!

The Day You Were Born - Part 8 - A Trip Down Memory Lane

We decided there was really no time for a truck wash at the moment and continued our trek through the hospital.

Walking down the empty corridors of the hospital and in between contractions, I asked your dad to tell me any of his stories.

"Tell me one of your stories, Mr. Yardbird."

"You know just about all of them." He said.

My contractions were growing stronger and every few minutes I had to grip the wall or your daddy's arm for support until they passed. I needed something to get my mind off of it. Something to lighten the mood a bit.

"I don't care. I need a distraction.... I don't care if I've heard it before." I said.

Ham, we've been together for a while, almost six years, and because of this we knew just about every story about each other. The good thing about your dad and I is that even though we know we've heard a story before, we act like it's the first time. There's something really nice about revisiting your old stories and something even better about knowing that someone else wants to hear them.

So your dad started one for me and when he finished it up. I gave him a look like, "Okay and another one, please." We traveled back in time to the days before your daddy and me. To times when we were a lot younger, a little more reckless, when we were just leaves in the wind.  And every time he got to an exciting part he would rev up his nose with his hand like he was trying to jump start an engine. You know what I mean.

We revisited our high schools days and we talked about our college ones too. And eventually we got to the part about us.

We laughed at how far we had come from where it all started and we smiled because we never imagined it would end up here walking around an empty hospital waiting on you, Hammy. God has a funny way of making things happen.

We circled around the hospital, up and down the stairs and through the hallways. We paused when the pain was too great and we continued when it subsided.

And before we knew it, two hours had passed. It was time to go back up to the triage to see how far we had gotten.

"Do you think we are where we need to be?" I asked your dad.

"Do you?"

"I don't know. I sure hope so," I said.

Honestly, I couldn't see how walking around the hospital could make things progress any further than they had already. Turns out I was wrong about that.

Just to be sure, I had one last brilliant idea that I just knew would seal the deal.

The Day You Were Born - Part 7 - Your Chariot Awaits

I wiped the ham sandwich crumbs off my face and gave your dad the best "I'm sorry but I can't help myself" face. We made our way to the hospital lobby and decided where to begin our treck.

"Let's walk up those stairs and around the second floor, then we can come back down and walk down the halls." Your dad nodded his weary head and off we went.

Suddenly a lightbulb went off in your dad's head that sent a surge of energy through him. He turned to me and said, "Do you think we have time to get my truck washed."

"What?" I was not amused.

"I bet we have time. They told you to come back in two hours and that's plenty of time to find a carwash, get the truck cleaned up, and be back here."

"I don't think that's what they meant." I said. "I don't think they meant ride around in a truck, go through a car wash, and poof your baby's ready to come out."

Your dad couldn't hide his disappointment.

And that's when I realized what this was really all about.

Ham, it wasn't about which parking spot the truck was parked in, whether it was parked perfectly straight and it wasn't about how spic and span the truck was either.

It was about you.

Your dad was worried about what you might think of him if his truck wasn't in a prime spot, was dirty and parked crooked.

No son of your dad's was going to go home from the hospital in a situation like that.

This, Hammy, is only one of the reasons why you have such a great dad.

A Couple of Yardbirds - Part 6 - Ham Sandwich

Once we were in the hospital we headed straight for the labor and delivery section.
There wasn't a soul in the main part of the hospital and it was kind of nice because we  didn't have to push through people to get where we needed to go.

We were sent into a triage were they would check everything out before sending us to the room I would end up having you in. For the next two hours doctors checked on me and three other pregnant women who were in the same boat.

Your dad took this opportunity to doze in and out of sleep. In between Zzz's, he would jump up to ask me if I was feeling okay, rub my arm, and tell me I looked like a robot hooked up to all those machines like that.

"Well it looks like everything is moving right along." The doctor told us. "But we would like to see a little more progress before we send you in to have the baby."

Progress? Weren't we already, there?

He gave us three options, Ham.

He could induce me. And I said heck no to that.

We could go back home, walk around alot and then come back in two hours.

Or, we could walk around the hospital for two hours.

Your dad, as exhausted as ever, and I asked if we could privately discuss the only two options we'd consider.

First we considered going home.

In my mind - and maybe this because I saw some couple doing this on a baby story on TLC - I pictured us strolling around our neighborhood, hand in hand. Your dad encouraging me, patting me on the back. And me, I would be beaming with excitement. Contraction, what contraction?

In your dad's mind - maybe I can catch some snooze on the sofa while Mrs. Yardbird walks up and down the street in front of our house.

Did we forget it was 3 o'clock in the morning?

We did.

After spending almost two hours in the triage it was now almost 3 am. Walking around our neighborhood at 3 in the morning was out of the question. Yes, in some ways our neighborhood was the closet thing to Mayberry this city had, but we needed to be realistic.

So when we both finally realized it was not a good idea, we opted for the less scenic route - the hospital.

Before I gathered my big belly to begin our hospital walkabout,  I turned to the nurse and said....

"I'm starving. I know you won't let me eat but....I don't know if I can make it." And I tried to give her my very best puppy eyes so that she would take pity on me.

It worked. And a few minutes later she produced a hospital made.....ham sandwich.

Ham, I hate ham.

Not you, the meat.

Of all the meats in America, it had to be a ham sandwich. I tried to look thrilled over my ham sandwich.

"Oh wow! Thanks." I forced a smile.

As soon as she left I looked at your father and shrugged. Beggers can't be choosers, I thought.

"Do you want to half that with me." Your dad asked. Your poor dad was hungry too.

"Sure." And as I handed him his piece I somehow enhaled mine.

Let me tell you ham, that was the BEST ham sandwich I have ever had. If someone had bothered to tell me ham could be so great, maybe I would have given it a chance.

Your dad was just about to take a bite and noticed me staring at his half sandwich with crazy eyes.

"You want this?" Your dad was being polite when really he hoped I would say no.

"Yes, I'm sorry. I need it." I had no shame. I took food right out of your dad's hand. This man was exhausted, he was starving and yet, I did it anyway.

Ham, we all have moments we aren't proud of.

The Day You Were Born - Part 5 - The Art of Good Parking

So after your dad and I left  McDonalds, we headed straight for the hospital.

The hospital we chose to have you at wasn't one that was real close to our house. On a good day it took thirty minutes to get there. On a day filled to the brim with traffic, it could easily take an hour.

Your daddy and I were super nervous about this because along with the thought that there could be lots of traffic on the way to the hospital....it was also Mardi Gras time. This terrified your dad. In his mind, he pictured himself having to be the one who had to deliver you in the car behind a Mardi Gras barcade as the floats went by.

But none of these things were issues on the way to the hospital that night, because there were no parades and no traffic after midnight. There wasn't even anyone on the road.

But because we had all these worries before you were born, we tried a few practice runs to see how fast we could get to the hospital and if your dad could remember how to get there. For some reason he just never could.

On that night, I wasn't worried, because the last few times we went to the hospital your dad had done just fine.

So I settled in my seat and flipped the sun visor mirror down so I could apply some powder, some blush and while I was at it - mascara.  When I finished up I flipped the mirror up and settled back in my seat. And that's when I realized it.

"Wait a minute....where are we?"

And your dad said "Oh I took the  *** exit."

"You took the *** exit?"

"Yep."

"Why would you do that?"

"That's the way we go"

"Um, no it's definitely not."

Yep, in your dad's haste to get us to the hospital, he took the wrong exit completely. And so between three minute contractions I became the GPS woman but with slightly huffier tone until we pulled into the hospital parking lot.

And because it was after midnight we had more than our pick of parking spots.

"That one right there is fine." I said.

"No hold on...." Your dad's eyes scanned for a better parking spot...

There were rows and rows of empty parking spots.

"What about that one?"

"No....." His voice trailed off.

I gave him a real hard look. "What's wrong with that one?" But he ignored me.

"This one, this is the one." He pulled into a spot.

Just as I was about to unlatch my seat belt....he backed the truck up.

And then he pulled it back in.

I went back to unlatching my seat belt......and he backed the truck up again.

And he pulled it right back in again.

I looked at him like he had four heads.

"I'm sorry," he said. "I just want to get it straight."

"I'm pretty sure it's straight."

Ham, it could have been parked sideways for all I could have cared, the only thing I was thinking about was you and those hamburgers I couldn't eat.

So we finally got out of the truck. Your dad grabbed my bag and we started to walk across the parking lot. The whole time we were walking your dad kept glancing back at his truck.

"I sorry, I gotta....I'll be right back."

And your dad for Lord only knows what reason ran back over to his truck and backed his truck up and straightened it ...... two more times!

Hammy, I have no idea what in the world that was about but what I did notice was....

"Is that our cheeseburgers...." I pointed down to the ground. Underneath the back wheel of the truck was the remains of our smashed up cheeseburgers.

Before you go thinking that your dad is this big time litterer. I'll just say, I don't think your dad was trying to litter at all. I'm not sure what his intentions were but somehow those cheeseburgers ended up behind the wheel of the truck and were rolled over multiple times as your dad straighten and restraightened and straightened his truck again.

But before I could give it much more thought we decided the truck was a straight as it would ever be and we headed into the hospital.

Go Saints!

I know we have a good thing going but we need to take a break to celebrate the Saints Game!

Here's a little guy who was pretty excited about it.....

The Day You Born - Part 4 – I'll take the Party Shirt and a Side of Cheeseburgers

There are lots of things that go through your head when you are in labor or when you are the husband of a wife who is in labor.

As the woman in labor, my first thoughts were – do I have time for a quick shower, what am I going to wear, are my toenails painted and if not will my doctor be horrified by them.

“You are going to take a shower?!” your daddy asked me. His tone had every hint of how ridiculous I was being.

“Yes! I need to.” I said with desperation.

So I ran into the bathroom and started the water. But as I stood there letting the water heat up, I realized there really wasn't any time for a shower. No time to paint my toes either. I wasn't even sure I could reach them. Instead the only thing I really had time for was getting dressed.

I turned off the water and headed back to the bedroom.

Rummaging through my drawers, I tried my best to find something that screamed, “I'm in labor, but I'm glamorously in labor.”

Your dad had just about enough of it. “What you have on is fine.”

Hammy, do you know what I had on?

A pair of tights and t-shirt that said “This is My Party Shirt” with a picture of both political party symbols, a donkey and an elephant. And if to make matters worse, it wasn't just any shirt. It was your daddy's shirt that I squeezed my gigantic pregnant belly into. Nothing remotely glamorous about that.

So that's what I went to the hospital in. A party shirt.

I figured I'd have plenty of time in the car to fix my makeup....in the car on the way to McDonalds.

“McDonalds?!” Your dad asked.

“Yes, I'm starving. And besides, they won't let me eat anything once I get there! Mc Donalds was the only thing I knew would be open.

“Are you kidding me?” Daddy asked.

And Ham, my look said, “Definitely not.”

So we grabbed my “hospital” bag and we drove around the corner to the Mc Donalds.

“I need to call the hospital to tell them we are coming. You order. I want a cheeseburger.”

And as your dad ordered cheeseburgers for us – one for him because he was hungry too – I dialed the hospital.

While I chit chatted with the nurse about my contractions the Mc Donald's intercom blared through the car window. I could tell she was getting aggravated.

Before I hung up with her I asked “Is it okay for me to eat? I mean, say I just ordered a cheeseburger. Can I eat that?” I asked the nurse.

And her response was something to the effect of......well Ham, it's plain gross what she said. She told me two possible things that could happen to that hamburger if I decided to eat one.

And as I hung up the phone, we were already pulling out of the parking lot and onto the interstate. I looked over at your dad, who was patting the bag of cheeseburgers and grinning. “I got them.” he said.

“We can't eat them.”

“What?!”

And so I told him what the nurse said. And your dad who is a good sport about everything just shrugged his shoulders and put the bag in the back see so we didn't have to look at it. If I wasn't going to eat, then your daddy wouldn't make me suffer through it alone.

While cheeseburgers and my appearance weighed heavy on my mind, your dad had worries all of his own before your arrival.

I didn't find out until we were in the parking lot of the hospital just what that worry that would be.

The Day You Born - Part 3 – Save As: Contractions

So filled up on potato soup your dad and I decided it was time for bed. I headed off to the sofa and your dad headed to the nice king size bed we have. Before you get mad that your dad gave you and me the sofa, let me just tell you that we slept better on the sofa those last few months. Remember?

I curled up on the sofa and propped pillows in just about ever place I could. Uncomfortable was an understatement for you and me those days. It didn't take me long to drift off into a real deep sleep.

And then a little bit before midnight....I felt it. 

What, you are wondering? You know. You started it.

The unmistakeable pain with contractions, Ms. Kristie was talking about.

I sat up. Could it be? Is this it?

I laid down. No I don't think so, couldn't be. 

And then there is was again, minutes later. 

I sat up again. 

Yes there is was like a wave coming into shore, intense and then gone just as soon as it started.

I hobbled to the back of the house to get your daddy.

Do you know what he was doing?

Son, your dad was up late watching one of the most boring movies of all time, “Moon”. Let me sum it up for you – There is a man on the moon and he talks to himself a lot because he is all by himself. Then he starts to think he is going crazy because he sees people that look just like him. Then he talks to the people who look just like him, I guess because he is tired of talking to himself. But they look just like him so technically he is still talking to himself. And then you start to feel crazy for watching it. The End.

Your dad loves B movies and your mom could just about do without them.

I saw that movie your dad had on and I gave him a look like “Really?” and your dad just shrugged his shoulders and gave me a sheepish smile. He just can't help himself.

“Mr. Yardbird, I'm having pain with my contractions.” I reported.

Your daddy gave me a real sleeply, “Huh?..... Oh well, we will just call the doctor in the morning to tell her that you are having pain with your contractions.”

This was your daddy's way of saying, “Mrs. Yardbird, I am so tired. Please don't tell me you are in labor now.”   

Bless your dad's heart, he hadn't been sleeping well worrying about you and me and he was in no shape to pull an all nighter. 

I decided I should be a little more straight forward and just come out with it.

“We need to go to hospital.” I said without batting an eye.

When you say things like that, people tend to get a little crazy. I've seen in the movies where men run into walls with their pregnant wife's luggage because they don't know where to go or what to do.

But your dad, sleepy as he was could only muster, “How far apart are your contractions?”

I didn't know. So we sat down on the bed and we decided to find out. I opened my laptop and opened a word document and saved it as “Contractions.” Does this seem weird to you, Hammy? It does to me too. A word document called “contractions” that I was using to type the times in? Whatever happened to a good old pen and paper. 

Your dad started the timer on his phone and off we went.

12:03 I typed.

12:06 I typed.

12:09 I typed.

12:12 I typed.

My eyes got huge. I looked at your dad who was fighting a big yawn.

“They are three minutes apart.”

“Three minutes apart?”

I nodded slowly, swallowing all the fear that I suddenly started feeling.

Ham, they told me in birthing class, get to the hospital when my contractions were five minutes apart. That's the one thing I remember about that class.

And here we were.....three minutes apart.

To Be Continued....

Want to catch up?

Part 1: Click Here
Part 2: Click Here

The Day You Born - Part 2 – Calm as Potato Soup

Little Ham,

So where were we?

Ah yes, I had just gotten a super cute haircut and I was good to go for the big moment when you would make your grand entrance into this world.

I was on my way home and feeling much better about everything. You see, Ham, a girl just doesn't feel right when her hair isn't fixed nice for a special occasion.

When I got home, guess who was standing in the doorway?

Your daddy.

He was home from work for a few minutes and he wasn't too happy with me.

As I walked up to the door he stood there shaking his head. “Mrs. Yardbird, when are you ever going to get some rest.”

Ham, I just rolled my eyes. You, men don't understand anything about women and their hair.

Your daddy told me to get in the bed. No questions asked. “You need sleep.” he said. “How do you expect to stay awake when Henry's ready to get out if you haven't even rested at all.”

And you know what. He was right. I was really, really tired. So I didn't put up any fuss and at one o'clock that day I put myself to bed and I slept all the way until five.

At five o'clock, your daddy came back home. I assured him that I had indeed rested and that I had big plans to make him some potato soup. One of his favorite meals.

As I fixed supper, I thought about you and wondered if you liked potato soup and if you liked my cooking too and if that's why you had no intentions of coming out of there.

Your daddy and I met on the back deck to sit in the shade and enjoy our soup while we talked about our day.

Ms. Sandy our neighbor poked her head over the fence and said in her thick New Orleans accent, “Girl, you hadn't had dat baby yet?”

Ham, even if it was clear that I hadn't given birth to you yet, even if my belly was the size of planet Jupiter, people were still going to ask me if I had my baby yet, because when a woman is nine + months pregnant that's all anyone wants to talk about. I was beginning to feel like a ticking time bomb and you were the explosion.

“No, he still in there.” I yelled over to her. “We don't know when he's going to decide to show up.” We laughed that it could be tonight. Ms. Sandy laughed because she said we looked so calm sitting there eating our potato soup with all that was just about to happen.

You know what, Ham, we were calm. But in a few short hours all that would change.


To Be Continued.....

To read Part 1 -Click Here

The Day You Were Born.... (Part 1)

One day little Ham is going to ask me about the day he was born.

And because I don't see that happening anytime soon and because I'm almost certain I will forget all the little details, I decided I would put the story out there in digital world to be saved for when the time comes. I can wave my hand in the air and grab that story via technological air file. Because that's how far in the future I see this question coming up and that's how far I guess we will have come with technology.

So here it goes:

Little Ham, (even if you are big when I tell you this, you will be my little ham. Period.)

It went something like this.

The day you born was unlike any other day. I wasn't working, which was real unusual for me. I decided to take my maternity leave early because my due date was just a few days before and you still hadn't shown up yet.

So there I was on that blissfully workfree Wednesday and I decided why not fill it with all the things I've been meaning to get done. Because in my mind you weren't coming till Thursday (one of my predictions) and that meant I had a whole day to take advantage of. What I decided to do was to go observe two elementary schools in the same morning. Because have I mentioned I was working on getting certified to teach?

Yes Little Ham. I was. Right after I got pregnant with you, that's what I decided to do. So because I'm a silly mom,  I thought I could take two really hard education courses and still give birth to you. No problem. Well it worked out just fine, but sure wasn't the easiest thing I've done.

Anyway I went to my first school to observe your mom's friend Ms. Kristie teaching her first grade class. Ms. Kristie knew that I was having Braxton Hicks contractions and that they were happening since the six month. I asked her, "Ms. Kristie, how will I know when I'm in labor?" And she said, "For me, I had pain with those contractions." And I breathed a huge sigh of relief because no pain for this girl. I had a whole other school to observe that day.....oh and a hair appointment too. I wasn't really ready for you yet.

So off to the next school I went. At this school I had to cram my over nine month pregnant body onto a chair meant for a 6 year old. Hammy, you can only imagine what that most have looked like. It was tough, plus with all the contractions, it was almost too much for your mom to bear, but I took it in stride. And just as I was going to give myself a pat on the back for doing so well, I noticed some of the 6 year olds were whispering and pointing at me. Kids can be so mean, little Ham.

Finally one of them walked over to me. She poked me in the arm. "Hey you," she said. She had a real serious look on her face. Like whatever she was going to tell me was real important and I had better listen up. "I'm just going to tell you that the other kids over there..." she glances over her shoulder. "...they're saying some bad stuff about you." and then she looks down at my belly and the little gang of six year olds across the room start giggling. Don't take offense, Ham. I think it was more about me and the way I looked at nine months perched up on a that tiny chair than it had anything to do with you.

Mean kids.

After I left that school I headed to my hair appointment. It had been months and I mean months since I had it cut. I had to beg my hair dresser to squeeze me in. I told her I just had to be groomed before I went into labor, which could be well....any minute, really. So nice as she was, she agreed to see me.

While I was getting my hair cut, I chit chatted with all the women there about how I was excited, how after this haircut -- bring on the baby!, and how I was having so many contractions - heck I could be in labor now and I didn't even know it. That's what I told them and you know what Ham?

I was.

I'll continue this tomorrow.